Dear anonymous
by Chanra
Summary: Legolas and co. have had enough of being treated like just characters. Now, they've decided to revolt. NEW from Haldir, who is neither fat nor dead. Same fic, summary changed
1. Default Chapter

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This has nothing to do with the story, but I would just like to tell you that my friend had this really weird dream and it's corrupted both my and her brains. We were all in the Fellowship as alternate people, my friend was Legolas' girlfriend, I was Strider's older sister (I tried to kill him) and my other friend, who had the dream, was Qui-gon Jinn from star wars. Er... on with the story.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. My garbage man keeps throwing away my house, thinking it's JUST a box.  
  
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Dear anonymous,  
  
Yes, it is I, Legolas Greenleaf. Are you surprised?  
  
If you are a Mary-Sue author, you are probably wondering when I will be able to get into bed with you. The answer is NEVER. I hate you people who think I will, for no self respecting Elf would ever- how do you humans describe it? - make out with any human. (Exceptions include Arwen and Aragorn since they truly love each other). Please, if you are to write anything like it, tell me first so I may sail to the Undying lands, away from any computer or offer myself as a sacrifice to the Orcs.  
  
In other words, NO ONE likes Mary-Sue stories, and I would gladly offer you my blood for you to stop.  
  
Also, all the people who call me 'Leggy' or 'Lego' are quite annoying by Elven standards. My mother did not name me Legolas just to have it shortened. However, you may call me Salogel, because I am obliged to not listen, because that is not my name. (Well, it is, just backwards.) But if you already call me 'Leggy' and cannot be persuaded to change your opinion, that is fine. But those who are thinking of calling me that, I beg you not to, for I will surely plead King Elessar to remove my head. It will spare me the pain and annoyance.  
  
And I do realize, ever since the coming of the first movie, the Fellowship of the Ring, that my popularity has increased. I am not sure whether it is a good thing, since more and more SLASH and Character death/ torture stories seem to be appearing on my behalf. If you enjoy staring at me, and have a picture of me on your desk top, I am to remind you that the picture is NOT me, but of Orlando Bloom.  
  
There is a difference.  
  
You are probably captivated by HIS looks, and not mine, since the movie was filmed on Earth, and not Middle-Earth, and I was not able to be in the movie. So therefore, you are not obliged to say that I wash my hair every day (I don't, not EVERY day anyways), nor am I obsessed with shampoo, since I am not. The hair on the set is FAKE, and it merely looks like it's been worked each day for centuries. My hair, the real thing, looks very, very different. Not better, and not worse, just different. For one thing, it's real.  
  
From browsing around fanfiction.net, I have come across many torture stories from where I am screaming in agony and/or begging for mercy (I have noticed that I usually receive none, or am killed). It does not anger me if you do so, just do not practice the art, if you can call it that, of torment on any living being, be it elf or human.  
  
I truly apologize for any aroused feelings, and that you not try any murder attempt on the author or send any flames, since I am the one that sent her this letter. Please, continue writing, whatever your style, and may you remain faithful to it.  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
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A/N: Is it normal to receive this letter every time you attempt to write a fanfic? Because I have over four hundred and fifty.  
  
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	2. And ANOTHER letter from our 'favourite e...

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know why he's sending this to me!! I never wrote a new fanfic!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own no one. Wait, what about my pet underwear?  
  
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Dear anonymous, (please post)  
  
It's me again, Legolas.  
  
I have recently gone into fanfiction.net, and have noticed that you have posted my letter and have received many reviews. It appears that your inbox will become quite flooded with 'junk' mail. Mine being one of them.  
  
I would like to thank all of the people who have reviewed. I know this is the author's job, but I guess she's either too lazy or cannot type fast or efficiently enough (either she has Aragorn or Haldir assisting her) to answer them. So, I will.  
  
For one thing, I sign using Legolas Greenleaf. I KNOW my last name is Thranduillion (I have known for the past... how many centuries?) So please, do not hassle the author and send her reviews that say, "Legolas' last name is Thranduillion, it means son of Thranduil." Besides, it was not her who wrote it, remember.  
  
And I would like to thank Nisshoku the Eskimo for saying that I never referred to my hair color in the letter. And I will not do in now either, for I know this will cause the author to receive flames, and she has already told me not to write anything that will cause flames, under the pain that I will be banish from her fanfics. I am not too sure whether that is a good thing or not, so I'm not going to find out.  
  
May the Valar bless all who reviewed, and all those who are GOING to review after reading this fanfic.  
  
Yours truly,  
  
Legolas Greenleaf (Thranduillion)  
  
PS. Last I heard, Aragorn was writing, keep checking your Email. 


	3. From Haldir, who is neither fat nor dead

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: This is probably the second last or last chapter since everything seems strained (constipated)

**DISCLAIMER**: The note that is written belongs to Haldir and JRR Tolkien. 

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            Dear Anonymous, (please post)

Goodbye. It is me, Haldir. Since westernese is not my best language, please excuse any mistakes found in this letter. 

If your mouth is agape and you're wondering how I can write when I'm dead, I am to remind you THAT I AM ALIVE. If the only exposure you've been through is with the movies, perhaps you should read the book. I don't die; in fact, none of the elves _ever come to helms deep, save Legolas. His father says he's mentally unstable. _

I swear to the Valar Aragorn wrote the last line.  His computer has a virus and he's trying to use mine. 

Again, it was the actor, whoever it was, who was so (un)lucky to play my character that got 'killed,' so please, stop writing stories where the poor (mentally unstable) elf (Aka Legolas.) is buried in his grief for me. But I must say, all of them, or rather the latter parts, are VERY well written. Most of them proclaim emotions that were thought not possible to get out on paper. For my part, the storyline is a bit overdone. Still, keep writing, because most people still enjoy the stories that you write. For my part, the storyline is a bit overdone. 

Especially Aragorn, who thinks that if I die, he can have my computer. I'm taking it to the Undying Lands with me, he can have Orophin's. 

No matter how hard I try to apologize, I am sure to receive a flame or two. So, better end it here, thank you for so faithfully reading this letter. 

Bonjour, 

Haldir, boarder guard in Lothlórien (who is neither fat nor dead). 

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            A/N: I'm sorry but I can't open the letter from Aragorn because if I do, it'll give me a virus. Stupid middle earth computers!! 


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